The Emotional Drain of Language Learning

     Language learning is one of the hardest things I have ever attempted emotionally.  I say that because in this process of learning another language I'm finding that my emotions are in a constant state of turmoil.  In one moment, I am so excited over a recent "victory" or "success" in communicating with someone, or communicating correctly; then in another moment I am feeling so overwhelmed at my ignorance and lack of remembering "rules" and being corrected constantly.  It is a very emotionally "trying" thing to be corrected constantly when you're just talking (or trying to talk).  There is also a large element of humiliation that I feel as I am basically a "4 month old" with this language, but in an adult body ... & others keep asking me if I understand a conversation or discussion that is going on around me, to which I regularly have to reply, "No."  I understand bits and pieces, but not enough to feel confident that I KNOW what is being said, and what the basic gist of the conversation is in order to take part or to respond with my own conversational contribution.  It's especially humiliating to me when I am asked constantly -- in front of other people -- "Do you understand?" And people are waiting expectantly for my response -- which is most often "No" -- and then I feel like an idiot, and I feel like I'm disappointing them.  I really wish people would stop asking me publicaly if I understand conversations/discussions.  I feel like wearing a sign that says:  "Let me just tell you up front:  I DO NOT UNDERSTAND WHAT YOU ARE TALKING ABOUT!!! STOP ASKING ME!!" At this point, I am mostly just attending meetings and group functions in order to LISTEN and to HEAR others speak -- to try and catch some words or phrases (and overall meanings if possible) -- but mostly just to LISTEN.  I personally am not expecting myself to understand a whole lot at this point, but to catch bits and pieces.  But when other people keep asking me if I understand what's being said, I find that a rather discouraging exchange rather than an encouraging one.  It makes me feel like staying away from groups and meetings, but that's an important thing to do in this process -- esp. in a very "relational culture."
     I realize others are just trying to help, and my host "dad" said that it's done partly b/c others feel uncomfortable when someone doesn't understand b/c they WANT them to understand; AND they ask sometimes so that others involved in the discussion (who may not know that we're language LEARNERS) will be "reminded" to speak more slowly and have more patience and grace with us as we are "beginners" with the language and do not understand a lot of what's being said.
     The emotional drain of language learning is just way harder than I expected.  I enjoy learning and I enjoy languages.  The learning part: the classes and instruction and even the homework are not the issue. It's really quite interesting and fun.  It's the "remembering" and "USING" the language correctly and effectively in communicating off the top of my head "in the moment" in conversation that is difficult.  And "hearing" is difficult too -- especially if there is no "context" in which to grab word meanings.  Spanish is spoken very rapidly and getting used to hearing it and hearing the separate words within a whole rapidly spoken phrase is still "new" and difficult for me.
     It's just a difficult endeavor.  Matthew 6 spoke to my heart this morning as I was thinking about how much Spanish we still need to learn and how we are SO NOT READY to communicate effectively in Spanish yet... "Don't be anxious!" "God knows that you need this." "Seek Him & His Kingdom 1st and foremost."
     It's going to be a long haul -- a lifelong endeavor... and I cannot let discouragement get me down.  It's hard b/c there is regular discouragement with this task, but ... there are also little victories.  I must focus there -- on the victories -- and not let others' questions or concerns get me down.  I am used to being successful at things I attempt (not to sound arrogant, but this is also a bit of commentary on the fact that I'm not a "Risk Taker."  I usually don't attempt things I don't feel like I could do well at or be somewhat successful at.) So this is one of the 1st things that I'm having to do that is just really, really tough and there's no getting out of it unless I turn my back on God's leading in our lives.  So it's a daily struggle and daily reminder of my "lack" and "falling short."  This struggle easily begins to affect my mood and attitude.  It's hard to remain upbeat and chipper when you are constantly corrected and constantly reminded of your ineptness with a "skill," but yet you're having to muddle through anyway. Sigh.  Lord help us!  Thank God I'm not having to learn Chinese or Korean!! At least Spanish uses letters that I'm already used to!!
     This truly is a "God-sized" task for us!  It is definitely something that others cannot understand or relate to unless they've been through it themselves. Wow.  I am SO THANKFUL that God understands ALL languages and that when we pray and cry out to Him, He hears and understands!